I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
