i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
