Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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