Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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