You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
