There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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