I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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