Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
