I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You were trust falling into bushes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
