I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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