I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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