My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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