I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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