Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
