fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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