Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
