In America we eat man semen.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
