well I can't set my house on fire every night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
