Pappa wants mamma naked
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Never underestimate the power of titties
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
