You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
