believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
