the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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