Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
