the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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