Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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