My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
