Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
