Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
