You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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