I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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