I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
