Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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