U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
