I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
