I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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