I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
