I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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