dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
