Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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