i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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