You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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