I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i out mim tonsoeep
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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