Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
