I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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