Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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