I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize