she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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