I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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