please come you make the beer taste better
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
