im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
