i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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