I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
