this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
