oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently you make a good broom.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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