We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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