I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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