I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize