Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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