Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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