he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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