I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
