I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize