at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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