first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
