go do what you do best...puke behind churches
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She's the barista slut.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
