Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
