everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
