My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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