Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
